"You Can't Have That or You'd Be Dead By Now"

Ellen Berry on 10 17, 2009

Puzzled Baby

Sharing ridiculous comments made by doctors can be a bittersweet form of validation for patients.

For a little bit of fun (I figured we could use it), I originally created a discussion thread on the National Organization for Rare Disorders (NORD) Community Forum with this title, and it turned out to be a popular place to share crazy-making comments from health care professionals in dire situations and sad circumstances. Being able to find some humor it in seems to mean a lot to patients just trying to feel better…

I’ll kick off the list with a couple of my favorites…

“You can’t have that or you’d be dead by now.”
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“You ask too many questions — I have other patients.”
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Psychiatrist’s note in file: “Likes to collect diagnoses.”
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“I thought you had that, but I didn’t order the test to prove it because you’re on medications that would interfere with the test.”
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“You can expect your health decline as you get older.” (I was 30.)
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“I’m sure if we locked you in a closet you’d stop eating and lose weight.” (Quoted from my good friend Sharmyn McGraw.)
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“I’m not familiar with how the test is done — I just know you have to have it.”
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From a pain management specialist: “You’re telling me that you have pain all over your body. What do you expect me to do for that?!”
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“Perhaps it’s time to consider that you don’t have any more options.”
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I went to a neurologist because a brain tumor was suspected. He refused to give me an MRI or any kind of test, and wrote in his note to my doctor “There’s nothing neurologically I can do for her.”
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“You can’t just go from doctor to doctor and expect them to help you… I’m going to refer you to…”
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“The only thing that’s going to cure you is gastric bypass surgery.” (I had Cushing’s Disease — it the surgery didn’t kill me I would have still continued to gain weight uncontrollably.)
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I said to the doctor “I told the nurses I had recent surgery.” and he replied “It doesn’t matter what you told the nurses who admitted you — they don’t know what they’re doing.”
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“I don’t know why I had you come in — looking at your lab reports there’s really nothing I can do for you.” (The bill for the visit was $185.)

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Rheumatologist after poking me all over and seeing I’m in great pain (I practically leapt of the table when he grabbed my foot which hurt the worst): “The best thing I can recommend is trying to walk a little bit more every day to lose weight.”
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I asked the same rheumatologist: “Do you have access to a medical database that I wouldn’t have access to that might provide answers?” Answer: “Why when you have the Internet?”
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Rheumatologist at Cedars Sinai: “You don’t have that – it’s too rare.”
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Rheumatologist at Wake Forest after probing painful lumps all through my neck: “There are only two or three rheumatic conditions that cause the kind of pain you’re describing, and you don’t have them.” (I don’t know how he knew – he hadn’t drawn any blood or done any other tests.) “Have you seen a psychiatrist?” (Asked me three times.) And “Why the tears? Are you depressed? If you had Sjogrens, you wouldn’t be crying right now.” (Two weeks later I travelled to see a rheumatologist I trusted, was diagnosed with Sjogren’s, put on the medication I knew I needed, and the pain in all my joints went away.)

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And my all time favorite — “You’ll have to ask a (insert name of another specialist) about that.”
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I’m looking forward to reading your additions to the list! Please leave a comment…

Ellen

Comments (6)

 

  1. Sharon says:

    Before a colonoscopy the DR. says to you “Oh great, they always give me the hardest patients to do.”

  2. Celeste Burckhardt says:

    “You just can’t come in for a test everytime you find a list of symtoms for a disease that matches your symptoms” then at the end of the visit he says, “let me know if you find any other disease that has your symptoms”.

  3. Donna says:

    When I asked the rheumatologist’ PA to look at how purple my feet had turned in just the short time sitting on the exam table talking to her she looked down at her feet and responded mine too. (they were as white as a ghost)

  4. Donna says:

    I went to the surgeon to have a second biopsy of a new lipoma done as the allergist thought I one might be a sterile abcess. He refused to biopsy it stated it was just another lipoma and he did not want to make a patchwork quilt out of me. ( wow he must be pretty crafty)

  5. Donna says:

    When I told the endocrinologist that I had memory loss and I had to program my GPS to get me to where I was going or I’d forget, she stated she gets lost without her GPS. Not a doctor I wanted to see again.

  6. Donna says:

    I was referred to a cardiologist for SOB, Ekg show abnormal heart rhythm he wrote in his note no need for treatment she is asymptomatic.

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